he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
