dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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