Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
