I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
