i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
