I am midnight drunk by noon
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
there is glitter all over my balls
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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