I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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