Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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