when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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