i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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