Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
