Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
