please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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