drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
