I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
