So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
