Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
