So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
