I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
