At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I wanna passion pit in your ass
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
