Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
try to milk me bitch
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