You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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