I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
