Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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