he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
