I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize