He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
