I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
