I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
