in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
