i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
