i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
