Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
