That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
