You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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