Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
