it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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