Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize