If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize