The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
