He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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