Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
