ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
