I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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