Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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