i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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