I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
