shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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