Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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