I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
did i just pee glitter
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
