I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm always down for nudity.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
