at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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