Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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