i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize