Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize