About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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