so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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