I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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