I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
