is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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