My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
