guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
