We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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