there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
