you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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