Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
