She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
